Its me

Its the sixth anniversary of me being a hijabi.

I still cant believe it. Time flies, I have come a long way in these 6 years and I just thought I had to talk about this experience.

More than a year ago, I was watching My Name is Khan in the cinema, a movie which made me wipe off my tears from my cheeks several times, but there was one particular scene which stayed with me much after the movie ended. It was the scene where Sonia Jehan gets her hijab pulled off by a man walking past her in a hallway. I have been lucky, very lucky not to have gone through anything so drastic but my journey hasnt been clear of huge lows, stereotypical biases, racial comments and curious stares.

Hijab always attracted me. I seriously dont know why because I always liked the idea of covering up even when I didnt know what the Qur’an says about it. My parents never coerced me to wear anything specific. They were pretty much fine with watever I chose to wear as long as it wasnt too suggestive. As for me, I loved dressing up. And my hair was one part of my body I drew a lot of confidence from. A bad hair day would always make me very nervous around people. So hijab was a very difficult decision from me. I couldnt just start wearing something which would cover that part of my body that I thought made me look good.

But, I didnt really had the guts to take up hijab as a way of life. The first time I felt compelled was when my MSc thesis supervisor, himself a confused agnost, asked me why I didnt take the hijab when I was a Muslim, was born in a Muslim country to Muslim parents. I was baffled at this confrontation and all I could say was, ‘not wearing the hijab does not shake my faith and I do not think that I am drop dead gorgeous that men would be seduced if I wouldnt wear the hijab.’ But obviously it was his comment after this that left me dumbfounded. He said, ‘I am not one of those who think that Muslim women wear the hijab because they think that all men that they come across are rapists but because it lets them stay true to the way of life that they have chosen for themselves.’ I just couldnt believe what he had said. He was supposed to have biases against hijabis, he wasnt supposed to advocate that!!

This incident just popped more questions in my mind and I needed to know the answers to all of my questions. And where else could I turn except the Qur’an.

And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display their beauty and ornaments except what (must ordinarily) appear thereof; that they should draw their veils over their bosoms and not display their beauty except to their husbands, their fathers, their husband’s fathers, their sons, their husbands’ sons, their brothers or their brothers’ sons, or their sisters’ sons, or their women, or the slaves whom their right hands possess, or male servants free of physical needs, or small children who have no sense of the shame of sex; and that they should not strike their feet in order to draw attention to their hidden ornaments. And O ye Believers! turn ye all together towards Allah, that ye may attain Bliss. [24:31]

Now if you look at the translation it simply talks about covering the bosoms. I was already doing that. Digging in deeper, I found out that the word used in the Qur’an for veil is khimar to cover the bosom. According to the historical records that have been preserved, the pre-Islamic Arab women wore a head covering called “khimar” . It covered part of their hair, but left their forelocks, ears, necks, and upper chests uncovered. Thus the command “to extend their khimars to cover their bosoms” involved drawing the khimar securely around the circle of the face and fastening it under the chin so that the ends fell down towards the bosom. This would cover all of the hair, the ears, the neck, and the upper chest. And this is where the concept of the modern hijab comes from and that is why most Muslim women opt for a scarf for the hijab.

All those people who think that all women who opt for the hijab should stay at home must take note that hijab is something which actually allows women to roam around more freely…even without worrying about being stared at by men with lust or if these women are tempted themselves, the hijab should serve as a reminder to them. (Obviously, you can give examples of those women who would do anything wrong, considered haram in Islam, even when in the hijab but for that you can only blame them and not the logic behind t he hijab itsef). The Qur’an never stops women from going outside. So, if you are a man, dont lock the women at home. Let them study, work and just be themselves.

O Prophet! Tell thy wives and daughters, and the believing women, that they should cast their outer garments over their persons (when outside): that is most convenient, that they should be known (as such) and not molested. And Allah is Oft- Forgiving, Most Merciful. [33:59]

While talking to a few friends, I was also able to see another perspective of the above ayah: if you are a Muslim, let the world know. Thus, its like flaunting something you are proud of. Did it mean I was not proud to be a Muslim? That just couldnt be true. I wasnt a good Muslim, I am still not. But I was always sure that Islam was the only religion for me.

Obviously, once this was known that Qur’an talks about hijab and that it doesnt force women to stay at home, I just needed something to finally just help me take the decision. And then came the brutal earthquake of October 2005. It stirred me deep within. Watching dead bodies coming out of the rubble from the Margalla Towers, I knew it could have been me. Yes, ME! And yes, this was what I was waiting for some time. Just a week later, I left home with my dupatta securely fixed on my head.

I knew I would face opposition. I face that every day. People laugh at me, call me with humiliating names, ask me stupid questions and often judge me. Do I care? Yes, I do. And tht is why my conviction grows stronger every day. My urge to enhance my knowledge base grows every day too because I know that every time I can answer people with curious questions, I bring them closer to the understanding of my faith, to understanding that I am not an oppressed woman. Instead I am a strong woman who makes her own decisions and knows how to stand by it even at times when most people would be tempted to step back. I do not intend to change anyone’s opinion. But I know I can make people respect my opinion, my freedom of expression.

Is it difficult to accept me the way I am? Am I too rigid? But what do I do…Its me! And if this is really me, I am freer than ever to be what I am. Just let me be. I dont ask much from other; all I ask is acceptance, acceptance as a normal person. Is it too much to ask for?

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